Since you are in the "business" I simply must share my story of Kaitlyn's birth.
Melissa's labor was induced. I don't know why but I do know that some 26+ years ago I too had induced labor. Maybe for the convenience? In Kaitlyn's case, it was close to Christmas plus her parents very much wanted her born before the New Year. At any rate, the scheduled inducement made life simple for me as I could properly plan my trip to Baltimore rather than those middle-of-the-night forays when babies like to be born.
At any rate, Melissa was to go to the hospital at seven in the AM. I planned on leaving Delaware around eight in the AM so I would be at the hospital by ten AM. I knew that with induced labor the kid doesn't slide on out just as soon as they give the needle so I figured this time table would be a good one.
Which it was.
Except for the ob ward doctor, who was an idiot, read on.
Around eleven-ish, Melissa said she needed to make a bowel movement. By this time she was dripping that medicine, begins with a P, that induces labor. She was ensconced on the bed and was hooked up to every monitor conceivable. My goodness, God Bless America. For we could read how severe the contractions were, the baby's heartbeat, Melissa's blood pressure, her heartbeat and I'm not sure, but there may have been a stock ticker running along the bottom of that monitor as well.
I went over and studied the monitor so I would understand it. It wasn't all that complicated. The top area had the baby's heartbeat, which was running around 125-140. A blue-highlighted area indicated the "normal" range. Which Kaitlyn's fell solidly within.
Below this the contractions were pictured by a line that went UP during contractions and down when they subsided. There was even a number amount that indicated the amount of uterine pressure. During contractions uterine pressure went up to around 50 or so (and I have no idea what the number means, miles per gallon?, British thermal units?) then when the contraction subsided the number would drop down into the teens.
So I was watching all of this monitor stuff, but more important, I was watching the mother in labor. At the time, Melissa was quite comfortable. During a contraction, she would gasp a bit but there was no screaming or gnashing of teeth, if you get my drift. She also, at this early hour, had no twilight sleep or epidural.
So when she had to poop, this is a big deal evidently when you're having a baby. The nurses said Oh No, we have to have the doctor check before you get on the toilet. Because sometimes, or so they said, the urge to have a bowel movement might indicate the baby is coming on down the birth canal. It's even possible that with full dilation, the baby might fall out into the toilet.
Hey, this is what they said and it made a little sense to me. Except, hey again, woman don't sing Christmas songs and call friends on the cell minutes before they are about to give birth. Which is what Melissa was doing.
Now I might not know monitors but damn, I do know a bit about having a baby. Melissa was in very little pain so I seriously doubted the kid would fall into the toilet while she was taking a crap you should excuse my language.
But Dr. "Harrison" or some such, was summoned, and he put his hands down there to check the dilation. Which, as I understand, should be up around 10 before the baby will emerge. They even had a picture on the OB wall showing what different levels of dilation look like. Melissa had just an hour before been told her dilation level was TWO. And since then she had had few contractions and even those hadn't been all that painful.
A dilation level of TWO, according to the pictures and hey, I can figure it out since it's one to ten, is about the size of a dime. I seriously doubted she couldn't do her business without giving birth.
Sure enough, Dr. Harrison declares Melissa to be dilated at a nine and that birth was imminent.
"See honey," the nurse said, "that need to have a bowel movement was really the baby ready to be born."
All sorts of activity ensued. The bed was raised, contraptions were wheeled into the labor suite, we were all told to get back.
Meanwhile, I swear I'm not making this up, everyone is praising Melissa for incredible endurance with all of the pain. Which, I am sure, was very light at the time but hey, according to Dr. Quack Harrison, she was dilated a full nine so those pains had to be more severe than Melissa's response would indicate.
The nurse told Melissa she should not get an epidural now, what with birth so imminent. The entire ward was abuzz that this woman was singing Christmas carols minutes before giving birth. Melissa's OB was called. The inducement medicine was slowed down to practically nothing.
Now you need to know that moi was sitting on the couch and wondering just what the hell was going on. I am not a doctor, not a nurse, not anything medical though I did work at a hospital for five years doing payroll. But none of these associations mattered because Patty, NO WAY WAS MELISSA ABOUT TO SHOVE A BABY OUT OF THE BIRTH CANAL BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN AND I FRIGGING KNEW BETTER!
Of course there was great rejoicing all about with Mike and his mother cell-phoning everyone that the baby was about to be born and they praised Melissa for her birthing fortitude. Myself, Patty, was still sitting there not believing a single word of any of this. No mind the nurses all rolling stuff in and out, no mind the gloves being snapped on all medical personnel hands, no mind the raising of the stirrups and the addition of some sort of thing to Melissa's bed, I suppose to catch the baby as it slipped out.
I might add that my daughter, Melissa Marie Colgin, has always been a child with an abnormal interest in all things medical and I'll tell you true, by me she's a freaking hypochondriac. She was as a teenager and she is now as an adult. Let the handsome news anchors talk about a new flu on the loose and Melissa will call me up, sure that she has it. I joke with her about it and frankly, she makes fun of herself a bit as well. "You know how I am , Mom," she would say. "I worry about everything, I always think I have it."
And this child was about to give birth without one single painful grunt? While singing Christmas carols? I was not the vaunted Dr. Quack Harrison but I was Melissa's mother and a woman who had, at least once, given birth. So I sat quiet and shut my big mouth hole. I would believe this when I saw it.
Within the hour Melissa's own OB showed up, having been summoned frantically by the hospital personnel. By the monitor, Melissa's contractions had completely stopped, no doubt due to the stoppage of the inducement medication.
Her OB skipped into the room, positioned Melissa into position for dilation assessment, felt all around whatever the hell they feel down there, snapped her gloves off, and made her pronouncement.
"She is only dilated TWO centimeters."
Not that I was surprised or anything.
Kaitlyn was born some six hours later and Patty, Melissa was screaming big ones, declaring that death was imminent, and cursing Mike and all medical personnel within ear shot.
Exactly how a woman gives birth, go to hell.
Anyway, I just had to share this with you because the memory of it will always stay with me.
They should have just asked me who didn't believe a word of it.
Pat Fish
email-patfish1@aol.com
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