Public Broadcasting Service-Time to Pull the Plug
It will be interesting to see if the Bush Administration sounds the death knell for PBS, a taxpayer subsidized bit of nonsense not to mention its hopeless liberal bias. The quote below explains it very well.
PULL THE PLUG ON PBS
"Last week PBS President Pat Mitchell lobbied Congress for more money, and Republicans on Capitol Hill floated ideas for keeping the increasingly irrelevant corporation alive. No one seems to be asking this simple question: In a world in which 85 percent of Americans pay for either cable or satellite television, and with educational videos available in shopping malls and Wal-Marts nationwide, what possible justification can there be for a publicly subsidized television network?
"Every excuse for forcing Americans to pay for a television network has been exhausted. Educational and arts programs are widely available elsewhere. C-SPAN does a better job of informing Americans about government than PBS ever dreamed of doing. PBS news shows are drowned out by a cacophony of competitors who deliver news as well or better. What's left? Reruns of British sitcoms? Simply put, PBS has no mission that cannot be realized either in the for-profit sector or by converting the network to a private non-profit foundation."
- Manchester Union-Leader editorial
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"There's never been a war that was predictable as to length, casualty or cost in the history of mankind."
Donald Rumsfeld
NOW They Tell Me
"Bad word management is using 50 words to explain something that could have been done in 20. Good word management is finding a way to say it in 10."
--JW Schnarr
“No Fight; No Bite”
Because I only had one child, it wasn’t until later in life that I would learn the trials, and joys, of raising a pair of siblings. Only the “siblings” were my two dogs and their ancestors have never crossed paths.
Cleetus is an unregistered dachshund with us for five years and his “sister”, Jo-Ann, a Belgian Malanois with an impressive parentage. A series of events led us to own two very different breeds and this middle-aged woman learned for the first time how to apportion fairness and how to deal with rivalry of the highest canine order. I also learned that dogs do know how to use weapons but this wasn’t until later.
Jo-Ann was almost 6 months old before I noticed that the pup was afraid of everything. I also noticed that Jo-Ann was not allowed: on the porch, near an open refrigerator, anywhere around me when I’m in a petting mood, on the bed, within a warm sunbeam or anywhere near a bone she’d already chewed to a desired softness.
Cleetus had evidently set the parameters for Jo-Ann while I was busy living life. I realized with a start that I was the owner of an emotionally abused dog. For Jo-Ann, towering over the diminutive Cleetus by a good two feet, was meek, submissive and scared to death of her canine leader. Which would be Cleetus, the miniature Rottweiler. Cleetus ascended to his new position of senior leader of the domicile and he did not exercise the forbearance or patience that his predecessor, Gloria, our female mutt of 57 varieties and leader of her canine queendom for over 15 years before her death.
The first time I noted the problem was a sunny afternoon as I sat on my front porch and sipped an iced tea. My two dogs were summoned to join me. Only Jo-Ann slunk down the porch steps wolf-like and positioned herself a good four feet away from the porch. I called her to come but while she would rise with the desire to do so, some strange meekness indicated by her wary and frightened eyes kept her from climbing back up the steps. Cleetus sat smug below me, his eyes fixated on the cowering Jo-Ann with a demonic glare.
As soon as the refrigerator opened or the pantry door slid ajar Jo-Ann would slink off to hide in fear under a protective piece of furniture. Again Cleetus would be at my feet, his eyes bulging with a meanness that scared even me.
“We’ve got to work to fix this,” I told my husband. A proud Belgian Malinois had been reduced to a pile of fawn-furred jelly by the eyes of the Saddam Hussein of small dogs.
The much larger and rambunctious Jo-Ann had been able, due solely to size and persistence, gain attention from the humans she endlessly harassed. She did love us both with proper dog devotion and those times when access and attention was being doled out by un-distracted humans she would crowd out the little dachshund from our very view. We would, too often, give Jo-Ann a petting for which she whined or a morsel of food if applicable. Small Cleetus was left in the background, unable to fight his way to the front due to large dog run amok.
Our preoccupied human selves would often pet and flirt with the big Belgian Malinois as the little dachshund would slink off, disappointed and unnoticed.
Over time Cleetus developed his own method of coping and the method involved his eyes and an occasional show of tiny teeth.
“We must make it a obvious point to seek Cleetus out when there is dog excitement and Jo-Ann is sucking up the entire dog atmosphere,” I told my husband. Who was even then petting and cooing over the enthusiastic Jo-Ann as his little dachshund sat in the corner, sad and ignored.
Thus began a steady campaign of constant dog observation and adaptable human response.
“Did you know dogs can use weapons?” I told my husband one evening after an exhausting day of watching the dogs for clues to right the wrongs we may done to both of our dogs’ psyches.
“Don’t tell me Cleetus finally figured out how to operate a gun and shot Jo-Ann,” husband responded.
Dog with brown nose is Cleetus. Black-nosed dog is Jo-Ann.
“In fact it is Jo-Ann who uses weapons and she is very ingenious about it,” I clucked at joking spouse. “When we are outside and she wants to get to me or just plain be left alone, she gets the biggest stick she can find and trots all over with it in her mouth."
“How is that a weapon?”
“Cleetus has figured out how to chase Jo-Ann off by getting up close to her, giving her the evil eye and showing his teeth. If she doesn’t move as he instructs, he reaches up from his position below her neck and bites her somewhere on the face. With the stick jutting out and by moving her head all about, Jo-Ann can keep Cleetus at bay. She uses the stick like a pair of dog antlers.”
“Well I’ll be,” husband chuckled but I wasn’t doing a comedy routine. This was serious and only our human intervention could reverse our dogs’ lives to equally happy ones. Instead of the constant jealousy and fighting, both dogs would be assured that the humans love them each the same and would demonstrate that love equally.
It wasn’t easy to turn that canine tide. Cleetus would use his eyes and we incongruously found ourselves scolding Cleetus to “stop looking at Jo-Ann”. My mantra became a stern warning: “No Fight; No Bite”. We would punish a nasty Cleetus by shutting him in the bedroom so he could stop intimidating Jo-Ann. Only to have Jo-Ann sit by the door and whimper for her tormentor to please come back.
Weapons, glaring eyes and a green-eyed monster consumed both dogs. It took many months and is, in fact, still a problem. But my husband and I did manage to teach the mismatched co-dogs of the household that they were equally loved. They get along. They both now understand the concept of “turns” and sometimes an impatiently waiting dog will have to be reminded it is now the other dog’s turn for whatever pleasurable dog activity then upon. “It’s Jo-Ann’s turn,” I will softly explain to Cleetus as I brushed her hair. Though Cleetus had no hair that required brushing I still had to brush him with all of the care and concern that I lavished on Jo-Ann. If one dog got it, so must the other, even if it made no sense.
The constant effort to be fair and balanced, so the network slogan goes, spilled over to all my interpersonal relationships. I found myself thoughtfully considering both sides of an issue far more often then I did before the constantly feuding dogs entered my life. Friends and relatives remarked on my newfound sense of probate. Formally impulsive and opinionated, I became more pensive and introspective in dealing with life’s problems.
Since my education is ever ongoing what with two dogs constantly there to remind me of the importance of equal treatment, I figure in a few years I will qualify as ombudsman for any political party, foreign government or competing businesses.
Some of My Best Friends ...
Trailer trash and rednecks take a humor beating in today's Fish Giggles. But in the interest of Martha Stewart's recent release from jail it seemed timely to feature her "Etiquette for Rednecks" wisdom as well as the below signs you might be trailer trash.
All in the interest of society you understand.
Signs That You Might Be Trailer Trash
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this! "
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,
Start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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MARTHA STEWART'S ETIQUETTE GUIDE FOR REDNECKS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ...it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been want in' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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