Everyone Needs a Laugh; Giggles that crossed Grandmother's path and worthy of note
I Entered a Photo Caption Contest and All I Got Was a Lousy Tshirt
Actually, I don’t think my caption was funny at all. But it did win! Check it out. HERE
Holiday Eating Tips
Just in time, here are some Holiday Eating Tips.
Read them. Follow them. You will be glad you did.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're Going to
turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello....?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Pecan. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples, a pecan and one
pumpkin. Always have four. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day ?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards. Unless you live in California. Fruit Cake is the
Official Cake of the Land of Fruits and Nuts.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
11. A final note. That pretty colored punch with the fruit slices in it
... forget about it. Drink something really great for the Holidays. I
suggest martinis, but any good Scotch, Bourbon, etc., will work. Not
only will you become properly lubricated, but it is a well known fact
that alcohol increases the appetite, and this is the time when you will
want a really, really big appetite. And, if you drink such that your
blood alcohol passes the legal limit, don't drive! Just sleep in a
vacant bedroom. Your host will really appreciate it.
Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars.
O. J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too.
But they take the one woman in America willing to cook,
clean and work in the yard and haul her ass to jail."
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