GOP Fly on Wall-A New Political Day
The calendar on the wall was tattered from constant fingering. It was a simple paper affair. The only notations in the day blocks were the cryptic letters "PM" followed by a time. Today was the first political meeting after the 2004 election. There are four mandatory attendees at every GOP strategy session held in this windowless room in a White House annex building. The annex was used by the secret service as mostly an administration building overseeing White House security coverage. This empty room in the building's basement held only a small table and six chairs. President Bush's appointments secretary always marked off time scheduled for these rare political planning sessions as "meet with chief of staff". Meeting in that dusty, windowless room of a White House annex run by the White House secret service detail was the simplest way for all attendees to escape the Fishbowl of their lives for an hour or two of political skullduggery.
Dick Cheney was always the first to show up. Two steaming pots of coffee were sitting on the table along with all the condiments required. Donald Rumsfeld would appear ten minutes later, check in at the desk, ask if "Lucifer", his pet name for the Vice President, had arrived, smile and join Cheney in the meeting room. Karl Rove and the President would always arrive together complete with the President's security detail. The security men always enjoyed these special sessions as they could hob-nob with other SS guys during the meeting, something they could rarely do.
The Secretary of Defense was not necessarily a mandatory attendee at the GOP political planning sessions but Rove always asked him to come what with the war in Iraq always a hot political issue. The President, Rove and the Vice-President were always at such sessions with any other attendees summoned as the need arose.
"My friend Karl here tells me things are going to change in the next four years," the President began. He was attired in his morning jogging outfit and indeed, the meeting was timed to begin immediately after his morning run. "So I'll just turn the meeting over to him straightaway." With this the President nodded to his Chief of Staff then began to sip some freshly prepared coffee. As always, he was no-nonsense, directly down to business.
Rove cleared his throat, said good morning to Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld and the Vice-President then began.
"We almost lost this past election," Rove stated in a no-nonsense manner. "And do you know why?"
Rumsfeld laughed and Cheney joined in. "I'm sure you're going to tell us, Karl," Rumsfeld said. Everyone in the administration was still on a bit of a high after the election and such nonsense about almost losing the election then elicited a chuckle. Before the election, up to the day of voting, such confidence, indeed cockiness, would never have been the result of the statement.
Rove did not laugh, however, but politely waited until the laughter died down. The President continued to sip his coffee, only the crinkle at the side of his eyes as indicator that he too was amused.
"The Jersey girls," Rove stated flatly.
Rumsfeld looked at Cheney with a quizzical look, facially beseeching the Vice President for more detail. Cheney shrugged in response to Rumsfeld's questioning face.
"Had the Kerry campaign had a clue, they could have killed us with the Jersey girls. I knew it when they went out on the campaign trail and it was the only thing the Dems had going for them that frankly frightened me."
"Excuse me," Rumsfeld said after a long pause. "Just who are the Jersey girls?"
Dick Cheney knew the answer but this was Rove's show.
"Those women survivors of 9-11 victims. One's name is Kristen Breitweiser but there were about three of them making the rounds. This Breitweiser has been promised some sort of position by the Dems. I heard a possible run for Senator from New Jersey. Anyway, she's the most vocal of them and I must say she's an impressive speaker."
Silence permeated the room. The President sat down his coffee cup and regarded the attendees. "Okay, Karl," the President broke the silence. "So what's the problem."
Rove laced his fingers together, lifted his arms behind his neck and rested his head in the finger net. After a long sigh he continued. "It isn't just the Jersey girls that are the problem but they represent the most obvious problem. Which is the GOP's tendency not to respond to the Democrat spin strategy."
"It's because we are trying to govern a country, damn it, and don't have endless time like the opposition party to respond to the stilly stuff they dream up."
Dick Cheney made Karl almost jump with his quick and emphatic response.
"Dick," Karl began, slowly as to carefully phrase his thoughts without insulting the Vice President. "You cannot govern if you don't get elected. Maybe you don't like the sentiment but it's true. Those Jersey girls were all over the place mouthing off about the 9-11 commission and they were one hell of a spin team. Terrorism was the GOP biggest plus this past campaign but the Jersey girls bit into that edge with their assertions that America still is not safe. I mean, come on guys, survivors of 9-11 victims, what better mouthpieces than that?"
Rumsfeld cleared his throat. "Karl, it seems to me those ladies had a right to go out and speak their piece. How on earth could we have stopped that?" Rumsfeld paused for a moment and shot the President a grin. "Even though that 9-11 commission was the most partisan hack waste of money on the planet, those ladies wanted it, they got it, and they endorsed it. What else could we have done?"
"We couldn't STOP them from talking, Don," Karl responded, almost banging his exasperated fist on the table but stopped when sane thought came back to his brain. "We had no rebuttal to them!" Karl continued, unable to stop the exasperation from leaking into his tone. "What we should have done is got a group of 9-11 victim survivors who supported OUR side. We should have given them some talking points, arranged press conferences, pressured the talking heads to allow our side to have a say, and we should have gotten Newt and some of the other big talkers out there fighting back."
"I thought we had some of them out talking for our side?" the President queried.
"Yeah. A few. They did it on their own with no help from us. I'm telling you guys, the Jersey girls could have done some great damage. The public was listening to the 9-11 commission whether we liked it or not. It still irks me that we had this taxpayer-funded commission to do absolutely nothing but grandstand and attempt to place the blame for the 9-11 attacks on us and deflect it away from the Clinton gang. Sure they only managed to place some of the blame on us but that's all they hoped for. But your average soccer mom thought the commission was a good idea and your average soccer mom will stop and listen to the sweet Jersey girls. We dropped the ball on that issue and had those Jersey girls been anything but a one-trick pony they could have caused damage. Maybe not cost us the election but made it closer and you know we had to win by a bigger percent then we did in 2000."
"Okay, Karl," Cheney said, glancing at his watch pointedly.
"The GOP has got to do a better job with rebuttals."
All attendees emitted a collective groan. Karl held up the palm of his hand to stop their sound.
"Look, it doesn't matter that we think it's all silly and election pandering. That's how it's supposed to work. And of course we had the constraints of diplomacy and actually running the country on us but all of what we called silliness by the opposition party could have put them in the position of running the country. You don't get elected, you're useless."
Both Rumsfeld and Cheney leaned back in their chairs.
"What's your plan, Karl?" the President asked.
"Every damn time the opposition party puts up a national debate, about ANYTHING, this administration is going to respond."
All heads nodded. It made sense.
"Tomorrow we have 2 California legislators that are going to introduce a bill to divide California's federal electoral vote by district."
Cheney shook his head in disgust. "Karl, what's that about? It's a waste of time. I really hate that kind of shit."
"Dick, like I said. The GOP is going to respond. We're going to utilize our elected representatives. We're going to recruit our best talking heads. We're going to fight fire with fire. The best way for the GOP to get the notion out there that it's not only conservative Colorado that can split up its votes to get Denver votes for the Democrats is to illustrate that the door swings both ways. And California is the best stage to make this point."
"Whatever happened to the concept that leaders should be leaders and not silly school kids?" Rumsfeld asked, to no one in particular.
"Leaders get ELECTED," Karl said softly but with strong emphasis on the last word.
All attendees remained silent for ten seconds.
"We've got a group of 9-11 survivors all ready to go. Already our best guy creamed Breitweiser on Hardball the other night. We're not lying or misleading anyone. We're simply firing back with good and decent people who don't want another Czar in the government that can be manipulated a whole lot easier than a better, more collective system. The Dems want to get one guy in charge as the new czar and use him to clobber us. Maybe they'll get their guy, maybe they won't. But believe that they know it will be easier to try and wedge in their guy and have a way to lambaste us. Every time they bring up an issue, even if it's something we totally did not plan, my group is going to go out and fight back."
Rumsfeld and Cheney shrugged acceptance, almost simultaneously. They were serious men with serious jobs but ...
"And we've got Sensenbrenner and Hunter in the House willing to bottle that Intelligence Czar nonsense up in the house. We've got credible distance from the President but we're fighting back against that awful legislation. Finally, we're getting it out there about the UN. Coleman spoke his piece and we got the NY legislation to turn down approval for that new building they wanted. In short," Karl said, pushing himself away from the table as indicator that he was almost done speaking his piece, "we're using all of our resources to use the mandate from this past election to the best use."
"He's right," the President said, his shoulders shaking in that manner of his when saying something he thought was funny. "We don't do it now when we going to do it? Like Karl says, you have to get elected. "
All attendees left the meeting, smiles and friendly jostling abounding.
It was going to be an interesting four years-was the thought in each head.
TOMORROW: A miscellaney that includes: The saga of the Jenn-O turkey, Top dangerous toys in 2004, Lots of Home Remedies augmented by Grandmother's own lesson of the ear mites.
In Fish Giggles this week, check it out. Grandmother wins a photo caption contest with the most lame caption ever. But I did win a Tshirt.
Also, much needed Holiday Eating Trips that are both true and funny.
And don’t miss the funniest funny of the week from Tim Allen.
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