They're So Funny Because They're So Sincere
25 Bible Lessons
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The
following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have
not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4 The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by
sweat alone
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
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Check Out the One About the Dog and the Car Keys
Excuses for being late to work.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit
the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly
e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My stigmata's acting up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I prefer to remain an enigma.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house
is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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In the Interest of Being Fair and Balanced, We Have a Bush Joke
One morning, a few months after being elected in 2000, George W. Bush
and Dick Cheney were having brunch at a popular restaurant. The
attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll
have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. He replies, "How
about a quickie?"
"Why, Mr President," the waitress says, "How rude ..you're starting to
act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for a full year
yet!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and says, "It's
pronounced 'quiche.' "
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