Rocky and Bullwinkle
Yesterday, a Friday with a 10/28/05 date in this year of our Lord, the vaunted prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald spent over ten million taxpayer dollars to hand down five indictments to VP Cheney's Chief of Staff, Scooter Libby.
It was Occam's Razor run amok.
Here's what happened. A sleazy diplomat, Joe Wilson, went to Niger on a self-appointed jaunt to get at the truth about Iraqi attempts to purchase yellowcake uranium. There are so many lies and twists and distortions about Wilson, and his outed CIA agent wife, Valerie Plame, I simply can't go there. Trust if this were a cartoon, it would be Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Joe Wilson would be Boris Badnov. Valerie would be Boris' sidekick Natasha Fatale. Rocky would be, of course, Scooter Libby, with his sidekick, Bullwinkle, represented by Carl Rove.
Patrick Fitzgerald is on the side of the "good guys" as Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz.
We do not know who "Fearless Leader" is, as we did not during the Rocky cartoon and as we do not in the Wilson/Plame/Scooter real life cartoon.
We do know that a Fearless Leader sent Joe Badnov off to find out if the deadly enemy of Frostbite Falls Minnesota, Pottsylvania colony Niger, was making yellow corn meal in such abundance it could wipe out Frostbite Falls' crop of flour, thus wiping Frostbite Falls' off the planet. Joe Badnov did discover Niger making yellow corn meal in great quantities but, perhaps at Fearless Leader's instruction, instead chose to report that Niger was not making any yellow corn meal, that Frostbite Falls' flour crop is safe, and any attempt by Rocky to invade Pottsylvania's colony would be based on an erroneous assumption. Jo Badnov even decided to report these lies in Frostbite Falls' largest newspaper, The Icicle.
Bullwinkle, meanwhile, is very upset over Joe Badnov's lies, and Rocky is already out and about and in action.
 "Rocky, you can't go telling that Valerie Fatale is an agent in the Frostbite Falls' Somewhat Intelligence Agency. She is under deep cover," Bullwinkle lamented as Rocky was on the phone furiously phoning every reporter in Frostbite Falls."Bullwinkle," Rocky said in a high-pitched and excited voice, "Joe Badnov is just telling lies and if I don't do something Frostbite Falls' will be history, along with its flour crop. And that Fatale woman is no more under cover than I am. Her picture was just on the front of the Frostbite Feature this week. She was wearing sunglasses so she would look like a spy." Rocky phoned all the journalists in Frostbite Falls, informing them that Valerie Fatale was the one who sent Joe Badnov on that trip to Niger and that Valerie worked at the Somewhat Intelligence Agency. Joe Badnov, his wife Valerie, and Fearless Leader held a confab. They snickered and decided they would get even with Rocky the Squirrel fellow for trying to get the truth out. "We'll demand a special prosecutor to look into this Rocky and Bullwinkle and how they revealed your undercover status at the Somewhat Intelligence Agency," Joe Badnov told his ravishing partner Valerie Fatale." "Darling, I haven't worked undercover for the Somewhat Intelligence Agency for several years now," the ravishing Valerie Fatale responded after taking a long draw on her cigarette that dangled from it's diamond-encrusted holder. "It doesn't matter, my darling beautiful spy," Joe Badnov responded to his gorgeous wife, holding her tightly to his body as he rubbed his mustache with evil glee. "It's just the yelling and hollering of the Frostbite Falls press that we want. We need to make it look like Rocky and Bullwinkle lied as a basis for attack on our beautiful Pottsylvania and its colony. If we're lucky," Joe Badnov continued, "we'll get Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz." Indeed Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz was assigned to look into the case of Rocky and Bullwinkle's revelation of something so awful as the truth to the press of Frostbite Falls. "Don't worry, Bullwinkle. Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz is a noble Frostbite Falls resident. He won't send you or me to jail for telling the truth," Rocky tried to soothe a worried Bullwinkle once Peachfuzz' investigation was under way. "But Rocky, what are you going to tell that Frostbite Falls' grand jury when they ask who told you about Valerie Fatale's real job at the Somewhat Intelligence Agency? You know your boss told you what she did. Peachfuzz might think you were leaking classified information." Rocky sighed and regarded his friend Bullwinkle. "Listen, just as soon as that article came out in The Icicle I called up the Somewhat Intelligence Agency and got the scoop on this alleged spy Fatale. She hasn't been undercover for years. I'll tell the Frostbite Falls' grand jury I heard it from reporters for the Icicle. Bullwinkle, every reporter I talked to from the Icicle already knew Valerie Fatale worked at the Somewhat Intelligence Agency. I didn't tell them anything new." Rocky looked at his friend the doubting Bullwinkle. Rocky put his arm around his friend. "Listen, no one's going to remember who said what. This is all a scam by Joe Badnov and Valerie Fatale. Are we going to let them use our city's newspaper to spread lies about our enemies in Pottsylvania's colony Niger? Bullwinkle, the future of Frostbite Falls depends on us getting the truth out over Joe Badnov's lies." "I don't know Rocky. Suppose Peachfuzz indicts you for lying if you get the order wrong when talk to the grand jury?" Rocky looked at his friend Bullwinkle with pity. Bullwinkle did his share of broadcasting the truth about Joe Badnov's trip to Niger. Rocky understood that Bullwinkle didn't want to go to jail. "Bullwinkle, the truth's at stake here," Rocky told his friend in this last attempt to boost his spirits. "Peachfuzz surely won't send you or I to jail when we're just trying to save Frostbite Falls." |
And so Rocky, who really did fib to the Frostbite Falls' grand jury, doesn't emerge the hero. Joe Badnov and Valerie Fatale snickers can be heard all over Frostbite Falls. Bullwinkle just escaped jail by Peachfuzz himself.
Badnov and Fatale report to Fearless Leader.
"We won, boss"
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