Thoughts-Obama-No shirt;Dance/Stars-Big Guy Goes Home; AI09-Two Sent Home; Funny Fiction; TV-Hell's Kitchen/Celebrity Apprentice 09 Update

We've been watching "Hell's Kitchen" 09, or what I call the Cooking and Cussing Show.

It's down to three and I think I've got the winner picked.

The Donald's "Celebrity Apprentice" 09 continues on and this should be called the Joan River reality show.

The cooking challenge will never make Hell's Kitchen but the bickering and cussing might.

All with pics and vid you'll find nowhere else on the Internet.
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It was Disco night on American Idol 09.

Two contenders got sent home. A personal favorite disappointed and the boring one bored again.

And who the hell said Freda Payne was a disco singer?

All with pics and video you'll find nowhere else on the Internet.
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The big guy got the boot on "Dancing With the Stars" week ending 4/26/09.

The contest tightens and one who seemed likely to win slips a big. Another who started rough gets better every week.

All with pics and video you'll find nowhere else on the Internet.
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"Saving Mom From Uncle Guido" is a fiction story from "Mystery and Mirth, excerpted for yon enjoyment.

For the Micky Mouse head helped her overhear the murder plot and the door disguise helped her stop it in its tracks.

It's short and a smile.
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In Thoughts, we've got Obama shirtless and right there you must tune in.

Plus, heh, the Good Guy of the Week with a sarcastic reasons why Dick Cheney made Obama look like a fool this past week.

Also, Quip of the Week and You Can't Make This Stuff Up…much more.
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Pic of the Day




Presidential Pecs

I suppose it’s possible that if Arnold S. of Calyfornya were to become president that we might see him without a shirt and strutting his stuff. I’d like to think not for two reasons: First-Something in me gets squeamish about the notion of the President of the United States of America gadding about shirtless and Second-I have no particular loyalty to Republicans save choosing them over a Democrat were a gun placed to my head, but I tend to think of the Republicans as having more of a sense of sobriety and majesty about such things. Democrats are the political party of Hollywood after all.

But if Arnold S. were president and he were to run about shirtless to be placed in the handsome rotogravure well at the very least folks, we’d have something to look at.



We can see from this picture featured HERE, that, come on yon ladies and gems, President Barack Obama is hardly any male model.

He has got to think he is ALL that. Because he’s the PRESIDENT for God’s sake. He could have, just throwing it out there, chose NOT to allow photographers take his photo in such a state or even, grasping at straws again, demanded that the photos NOT be published had the entire thing happened as he sleepwalked on the beach.

Oh no, ladies and gems. Obama knew he was being photographed and I am just so sorry, but he’s NO Arnold S.

He looks more like Geek Erkel and nobody in his surround has the courage to tell him that we all know transvestites with better physiques than this.

So very sad.

Dick Cheney





So I picked a pic of the man the libs love to hate, AND who is also my nominee for good guy of the week, that makes him look like the evil, evil evil-doer the left thinks he is.

Dick Cheney, boom, took Erkel Obama to the cleaners last week and it’s as bad as taking candy from a baby.

First Obama releases memos from the Office of Legal Counsel in the Justice department. In these memos are detailed what actions, in what context and for how long, could be taken against terrorist detainees being held by our military and who were believed to have important details about future attacks.

Not that releasing these memos did a damn bit of good except notify all the terrorists overseas just what kind of treatment they can expect from the Americans if they are caught and hey, maybe they could beef up their training to get their guys toughened up to survive the ordeal. It was a damn dumb thing to do but hey, this is a guy more interested in seeing his skinny-assed physique in the Washingtonian than say, protecting the country.

I remember right after the attacks of 9-11 everybody with vocal cords was grumping and complaining about why we didn’t have a clue what was going to happen. Repubs and Dems alike were screaming that we beat the bejesus out of these people that they tell us of these upcoming terrorist attacks and, I don’t know, maybe save American lives.

So Dick Cheney, heh, says that those memos are only part of the story. He says there were several MAJOR terrorist attacks thwarted because of our enhanced interrogation techniques and that HE is demanding that THESE memos be released. All in the interest of fair and balanced.

Further folks, those memos did NOT detail TERROR, get a grip. One was a response as to whether the CIA could put a bug in the guy’s room because he was so scared of them. The other was about sleep depravation, how long, what medical advice to have available. Also, our OWN military goes through these same procedures as part of THEIR training and I daresay we don’t torture our own damn military.

But the left…the libs…God hope we get through this leadership which, if it doesn’t bankrupt us, will have us all dead by terrorism attacks unquelled by the fine, fine libs who we need to tell us how to live.

So Obama at first released the memos but he pooh-poohed any attempts to prosecute prior administration officials. Then big, bad Dick Cheney threw down the gauntlet and this made Obama mad. Well damn, look at the man’s pecs for God’s sake. If I were Cheney, who’s been known to actually SHOOT people while hunting, I’d be scared witless.

So Obama, who never took a stand on any issue he’d later change if it suited him, said…well hold on, hold on. Maybe I’ll have Eric Holder look into throwing Bush and especially that bastard Cheney, into the slammer.

Heh.

So half the damn Democrats knew about these memos and those CIA interrogation techniques and now we have Pelosi, who can lie better than Bill Clinton and that’s saying something, having to deny that…well damn, yeah, the CIA guy mentioned the possibility of caterpillars in the jail cell, heaven forbid, but I didn’t think they’d actually DO it.

This makes the Dems mad at Obama for even bringing the whole matter up which, I say again, did no good at all except make this country less safe but we’ll just wait until another terrorist attack before we believe it, not that there aren’t nutty terrorists out to bring down this country…Obama bows to the Kings of the very country where nineteen of the last batch came from. This is a president with great pecs and that’s all you need to lead, after all.

Cheney…good guy of the week. He boxed Erkel into a corner and the guy looks like a deer in the headlights.

No muscles and no brains. What more could we want in a president?

Confirmation

We have a new bishop in the Wilmington Diocese, which includes some of Maryland, by the way.

Bishop Malooly is from Merryland as a matter of fact.

Our choir sang at a confirmation ceremony this past Saturday and I got some pics.

You don’t get to see the bishop often so I took the opportunity to save it in pictures.

More on Bishop Malooly HERE



Blagojevich Still May Be TV Star

Story here.





I am fond of disgraced former Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois as he makes Bill Clinton look like he has some class.

Blagojevich was removed from his governorship because he was in a side business of selling open senate seats. What with that stunt he pulled with getting lying Burris in the senate and goodness the man’s marvelous hair, he’s done more to make the Democratic party look stupid than Bill Clinton ever managed. And that, heh, is saying something.

A new reality show is premiering this June 1, 2009 called “I’m a celebrity, get me outta here.” I have no idea what it’s about but as a reality show aficionado and what with the possibility of watching that beautiful Blagojevich hair, this Blogger will be reviewing the show.

Oh yeah, the courts wouldn’t let Blago leave the country but NBC is so pleased with Blago’s help in publicizing the show that they may bring the show to hip.

You can, ladies and gems and as the saying goes, make this stuff up.



Quip of the Week goes to mine own husband and it was a good one.

“Can you imagine anything with less class than a U.S. president on the front of a magazine with no shirt?” I asked husband, showing him the picture of Erkel in all his glory.

“Yeah,” curmudgeon husband responded.

I awaited his wisdom.

“How about a president who brings an intern into the oval office to give him blow jobs?” husband gave his example, forgive language.

He had me there.

All Democrats.

Heh.

Ending With a Smile

The story of the robbery of an adult book store,HERE was a smile in itself:

Workers in the store were forced into the bathroom after the robbery. The robbers took cash and a “Professor’s Pet blow-up doll,” according to the police report.

The suspects may have escaped in a small two-door automobile with 20-inch chrome wheels, police said.

The robbers took the cash as well as a “Professor’s Pet blow-up doll”…heh.

The real smile, however, is the cartoon below that a Freeper posted in the comments under the article.

FreeRepublic…filled with the smartest folks in the country.

Heh.


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Joan Rivers About the Only Celebrity on Celebrity Apprentice

We watch Celebrity Apprentice 2009 every Sunday night with a devoted regularity. It’s a reality show and I kind of like them. I sorta kinda like this reality show but this year I am getting so tired of Joan Rivers.

FOR IT’S ALL ABOUT HER!

Now I understand these things are scripted. I know there has to be tension, there has to be a hero, there has to be a good guy. And I know that out of all the contenders this season, Joan is the most well known.

There have been so many shows scripted around Joan this year. Joan was the master of ceremonies for the picture phone challenge. Joan was the project manager for the cupcake challenge. Joan got into a tiff with Clint Black during the dishwashing liquid viral commercial challenge. Joan got disgusted with colleague Natalie Gulbis’ choice of jewelry during the jewelry auction challenge. Finally, this past week, Joan’s all in a tither over Annie Duke, the poker player who Joan says is deceitful, two-faced and poor white trash.

Of course we end up getting all involved with Melissa Rivers, spawn of Joan. Melissa Rivers’ has no discernible talent save being the daughter of Joan Rivers. Her presence on the Celebrity Apprentice 2009 does enhance the scripting in that we have mother/daughter conflicts that add to the drama.

Actually most of these contenders, including Joan, are very nice folk. It’s got to be hard to be a script-writer for this reality show. Truth be told, Melissa Rivers is probably the nastiest of the lot but any tension involving her necessarily must involve her mother.

They tried to make Clint Black a bad guy but come on. This guy walks around with a little Jesus-type of smile on his face. Herschel Walker is such a nice fellow that even The Donald professed his love for the fellow. Dennis Rodman was close to being a villain but truth is he was just a drunk who forgot yesterday’s enemies.

Now Annie Duke, who is being scripted to be an avowed enemy of Joan Rivers, is too a nice lady and who’s going to buy that Rivers’ assertion that being a poker player automatically makes you poor white trash?

-Jesse James-founder of West Coast Choppers
-Dennis Rodman-5 time NBA champion-sent home 3/29/09
-Andrew "Dice" Clay-once dirty mouthed comedian-sent home 3/1/09
-Joan Rivers-talk show host
-Herschel Walker-Retired NFL player-sent home 4/19/09
-Khloe Kardashian-the Kardashian without the nice ass-sent home 4/5/09
-Tionne "T-Box" Watkins-R&B singer-sent home 4/5/09
-Natalie Gulbis-Professional golfer-sent home 4/19/09
-Tom Green-Actor, comedian-sent home 3/15/09
-Claudia Jordan-Actress, model-sent home 3/22/09
-Clint black-country music star
-Brande Roderick-Actress and Playboy model
-Brian McKnight mutli platinum R&B singer-sent home 4/12/09
-Melissa Rivers-daughter of Joan Rivers
-Scott Hamilton-gold medal olympic figure skater-sent home 3/8/09
-Annie Duke-professional poker player, motivational speaker



On the 4/12/09 episode, the challenge was to create an in-store display for Lifelock, that company that protects your identify from theft. Brian McKnight, another very nice fellow, was sent home for failing that task as a project manager. Brian made it very obvious in the boardroom that he was tired, bored and ready to go.

Joan began her slow simmer with Annie during this Lifelock challenge. Seems Annie had allegedly vowed that she would trash Brande for her failures during that competition but Joan felt Annie trashed daughter Melissa.

Nothing of the sort happened but hey, it was in the script.

On 4/19/09 two contenders were sent home. The first challenge, began the week prior right after the Lifelock challenge, was to have the contenders auction of some jewelry from the Ivanka jewelry line. Natalie Gulbis was assigned the task of choosing the jewelry for auction. The prevailing sentiment was that the choices made by Natalie were poor ones, that the jewelry was pretty but too small to be scene from the auction podium. Oh, I forgot. Joan Rivers again came to save the day as Clint Black floundered on his assigned task as auctioneer. They really ought to call this the Joan Rivers Celebrity Apprentice.

Natalie got fired for her failure and soon the next challenge was upon.

In fact I use Schwann’s home delivery from time to time. They are quite expensive and by me their food brings mixed results.

For two people, Schwann’s can be a godsend. I love their pot roast. It comes already “slow-cooked” and it’s very tender and flavorful. It costs nineteen bucks but I cut up portions to make husband hot roast beef sandwiches, which he loves. Husband has bad teeth, a fact that will soon change, and this tender meat is perfect. So out of that nineteen bucks I can get maybe ten nice hot roast beef sandwiches for husband.

Schwann’s has some other good food but given their expense, you almost have to be involved in some sort of apportionment like mine above.

The quality of their food is also mixed. By me, you NEVER want to buy a vegetable that ever had a mother or a father from Schwann’s home delivery. My experience is that their vegetables are awful. Best buy the big bag of frozen things from Walmart then season and cook to your own preference.

At any rate, the challenge was for each team to design a new food item for Schwann’s. I thought both teams came up with perfectly awful recipes, stuff I would never, ever buy. Clint Black came up with a recipe for a chicken breast cooked in a teryaki sauce, a recipe he says is used in his own home.

Well I rarely buy anything with a chicken breast in it as chicken breasts are cheap. It’s simple matter to fry up a chicken breast and cover it with some bottled teryaki sauce, throw on some salt and pepper. The KOTU team added some broccoli to their meal and a frozen yogurt dessert along with that the Schwann’s people said was too complicated for the home consumer.

The Athina team did design a better dish but the noodles had no gluten. Right there I’d never order it.

Well sure there’s folks that can’t tolerate gluten and this dish might be a godsend for them. But the vast majority of people in this country can tolerate gluten and I’m not convinced they’d buy some kind of gluten free dish just on principle. For all we know removing gluten might remove the taste.

The Schwann’s people chose the gluten-free dish as the winner but as I understand it the Schwann’s folks were not terribly impressed by either entry.

Herschel Walker was the Project Manager for KOTU and he got fired.

Below, The Donald fires the two most recent ejected celebrity apprentices.


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It’s Down to Three on the Gordon Ramsey Cussing Contest 2009



The winner of the “Hell’s Kitchen” contest their year will be given a head Chef-ship in a new restaurant. The contest is now down to three.

Finalist Andrea will soon be gone and it will be down to Chef Paula and Chef Danny.



This show has the same old, same old, same old, events from week to week. The show begins with perhaps some sort of cooking challenge by Gordon Ramsey. The prize for winning this challenge is unpredictable. Ramsey might take the winner out for an airplane ride or he might award safety from elimination as the prize.

It’s the meat of the episode that is the same.

Hell’s Kitchen opens up. Patrons are seated. The chefs are at their stations in the kitchen of “Hell’s Kitchen”.

The viewer is then treated to about a half an hour of Gordon Ramsey cussing and berating one or another chef contender. Said chef contender did, as is illustrated on the show, do something wrong. On the episode aired on Thursday 4/23/09, Andrea lost track of the Beef Wellingtons and as a result a diner’s meal got delayed and the dinner service did not achieve perfection.

Contender Ben, who was sent home after this episode, forgot to throw in a pile of spaghetti and he made some bland risotto. You’d think he murdered somebody on live TV.



Of course the point of the show is to have drama and conflict in the kitchen. The cussing has been part of the show ever since its inception, some years ago. I hate the cussing, not that I’m a prude so much as the constant blips to keep the curse words off the air are annoying and keep the viewer from watching a logical dialogue flow.

To add to Ramsey’s cussing and abuse, the chefs themselves, who all smoke…do all chef’s smoke? But the chefs themselves tend to cuss a lot. The viewer is left watching a contest filled with annoying bleeps.

I like to watch Hell’s Kitchen on DVR just so I can fast forward past the blips.

Over the years I’ve noticed that Hell’s Kitchen serves up some oddball food. Beef Wellington, for example, is a rare thing to have offered as an entrée on a restaurant menu.

I’ve had Beef Wellington before. It’s a filet mignon type of beef cut. The beef is wrapped with a pie crust and is baked until the middle is a medium rare, or that is the ideal result.

Risotto is another constant offering in Hell’s Kitchen. Risotto is a happening food item of late as we do get Food and Wine magazine at our house. I’ve made risotto a time or two. There are a gazillion ways to make this dish but almost always it involves cooking rice to a creamy state and adding other seasonings to a result that varies.

The risotto in Hell’s Kitchen looks like rice and peas to me. Further, I think it’s served as an appetizer. I can’t imagine risotto as an appetizer.

Hell’s Kitchen also serves scallops which in and of itself is not unusual. But what the hell are those little fried eggs put on top of the scallops?

They are certainly not ordinary hen’s eggs that fit on a scallop that way. I’m not at all sure I’d eat such a thing and I’m game for most anything.

At any rate I think Chef Danny will win this thing. Danny always seemed to be the bridesmaid on so many of the challenges on Hell’s Kitchen 2009. But he was rarely the subject of Ramsey’s horrific wrath and I don’t recall ever seeing him on the block for possible elimination.

Paula’s a good chef as well but my money’s on Danny.
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Two Go Home On Disco Night



Disco music was, as I smile, a music genre quite popular when mine own young and pretty self was frequenting the singles bars and finding the men. Oncit upon a time, I could even do a pretty good Hustle. For sure I’ve danced late into the night under many a many-faceted disco ball.

Still I don’t much like disco music and the sound of it does not take me back to cherished times with fond memories.

Which is not to say I hate it. If nothing else, I knew all of the tunes sung on American Idol 2009’s Disco night, cutely titled “Dabbling in Disco”. It makes for a better critique if I know the tune being sung. It doesn’t make the performances any better however and, in fact, my knowledge might make me judge harsher for the assult on my memories.



So Lil Rounds sang “I’m Every Woman”, a tune one would think made for Lil. The judges didn’t like it much. Simon predicted Lil would be sent home and I still think Simon was PUSHING for Lil to be sent home. Since the winner of this contest will sign a record contract with a company owned by Simon, he has a stake in who wins. He’s got Fantasia in his stable of singers. Lil would be but a pale Fantasia.

Although I too thought the time was up for Lil. The song that she should have knocked out of the ballpark sounded so…ordinary. I did give my weekly number 2 winner in the performance awards to Lil as I thought she was second best the week of disco night.

Lil took the criticism proudly, taking a deep breath and using the excuse every poor performer uses after a dreadful show: “I had fun”.

Indeed Lil was sent home during the following night’s elimination round. I am sure this is not the end of the road for Lil. I don’t think she’ll achieve the fame of Jennifer Hudson, another AI contender knocked off early only to return stronger than many first place winners. Where the hell is Jordin Sparks?

Lil will probably make records of gospel performances. There’s a market for this. She has nothing to be ashamed of. Lil did a great job, her family, especially her children, will be forever proud of her. I salute Lil and wish her well.

I nominate Kris Allen for the worst performance this disco night but as always, the judges loved Allen’s rendition of “She Works Hard for the Money”. Kris’ version of this well-known tune sounded like a calypso song. I expected to see Harry Belafonte come traipsing across the stage with some bananas as Kris played his guitar to the rhythm of the bongos.

Even though I rarely give this contender kudos, he manages to hang in there and he’s never been in the bottom three. It’s possible Kris could pull second place in this thing. I will be surprised if we ever hear from this contender after this contest ends.

Danny Gokey sang Earth,Wind and Fire’s “September” and all I can say is it was okay. I don’t even have a note about what the judges thought. Danny made it through another round and he was not in the bottom three.

Allison Ireheta receives my nod for the best performance this disco night on American Idol 09. First, while her fashion is still off-putting to middle-America, Allison’s outfit didn’t offend me and her curly hair made her look her youthful adolescent age. Her youth could work in her favor and I’d think Allison would play that up.

Allison sang “Hot Stuff” and Simon called her “brilliant”. It was a great performance but, alas, Allison was one of the bottom three. She was not sent home but this is the second or third time Allison’s landed at the bottom. She is, by me, the best singer of the lot but it looks like she might not make the top three, much less win this thing.

Adam Lambert always sings a song in a somewhat weird but entertaining manner. And he always wows the judges and most times, ME. This week I thought Adam took it a step over the line but bear in mind my admitted familiarity with this music genre and add my possible sensitivity to mistreatment of same.

Adam sang “If I Can’t Have You” and he sang it very slow. The judges, as always, loved it. I wouldn’t call it the worst performance of the night but for the first time since I’ve been critiquing the top ten, Adam did not get in my top three performances.

Matt Giraud got booted in the week prior elimination round but the judges used their one and only save to bring him back. THAT probably cost Lil another week in the contest but it’s no mind. Rules are rules.

My first thought was that Matt was really going overboard. Here was a fellow performing, knowing he’d been voted off the week prior. Matt had the silly little hat on his head and to me he looked a bit too, too cool, like he was trying to look cool but only looked like he was trying to look cool.

Anyway, when Simon got to his turn, he termed Matt’s performance as “desperate”. Yeah. That’s the ticket.

Anoop performed last. Anoop wore a nice pink sweater. You got to be sure of your masculinity to wear pink. Anoop also sported a three day old beard and maybe this is why. Paula commented that real men know how to wear pink. I was impressed by Anoop’s pink and I gave Anoop my number three award for performance.

Anoop sang “Dim All the Lights”. Simon thought it was mediocre and truth be told, it was. In fact, Anoop got sent home the following elimination night and this was likely no surprise to anyone.

Speaking of elimination night, heh. I don’t know why anyone would consider Freda Payne’s “Band of Gold” a disco tune but I did enjoy hearing one of my all time fave songs again. K.C. and the Sunshine band performed and you know you’re getting old when the lead singer of one of your favorite adolescent bands looks like Rush Limbaugh! Thelma Houston…those dreadlocks looked awful.



Below a remix of my top three performances on American Idol Disco night as as well as my worst performance nominee. Including, as always, mine own wise and/or sarcastic comments spliced in.



Adam Lambert
Alexis Grace-sent home 3/18/09
Allison Iraheta
Anoop Desai-sent home 4/22/09
Danny Gokey
Jasmine Murray-sent home 3/11/09
Jorge Nunez-sent home 3/11/09
Kris Allen
Lil Rounds-sent home 4/22/09
Matt Giraud-voted off 4/15/09-saved by judges
Megan Joy-sent home 4/1/09
Michael Sarver-sent home 3/28/09
Scott MacIntyre-sent home 4/8/09
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The Big Guy Heads Home



On 4/20/09 we had all sorts of dances, including Cha-Chas, waltzes, rumbas and sambas. I’m not sure the criteria for dance selections although I must assume that all contenders must dance a certain sphere of dances as part of the rules. At along about this time in the competition I suspect that there’s more of a choice for the dance performance as each night before half of the teams danced one dance while half danced another. Knowing this, there would be, logically, at least as many dances available for choice as there have been performance shows. If that makes any sense.

Thus with the narrowing of the competition and a keener eye to the weaknesses of the competitors, the dance chosen would be part of the plotting and scheming that would make the performers shine and the competitors look bad.

It’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

Another intriguing event of this night was the costumes were designed by the celebrity for their professional dance partner. This led to some rather mixed results.



Melissa Rycroft led the night’s performances with an Argentine Tango. I consider Melissa to be either the winner for first runner-up on this thing. There was lots of leg action choreographed into this performance as well as some great and sexy lifts. Curmudgeon judge Len said he saw a “tiny blunder” although I don’t think “blunders” are normally tiny things. Carrie said that Melissa’s performance was the best Argentine Tango yet. This was an interesting comment in that, heh, on 3/30/09, Gilles and Cheryl performed an Argentine Tango that scored a perfect 30. Must have been that tiny blunder Len saw.

In the pre-performance vignette, Melissa took a trip to my fave nighttime soap set-“Desperate Housewives”. What the hell Desperate Housewives had to do with Dancing With the Stars is beyond me but heaven forbid that ABC should promote ABC shows. Heh. Melissa and her partner came in with the high score of the night at 29 out of 30.

I liked Lawrence Taylor, yes I did. And for a big guy the fellow was artful with his feet. But first, that gown he picked for partner Edyta, goodness, it had to be the most difficult thing in the world to dance in. It had a floor-length cloak for starters. After a few seconds dancing in all this, Edyta took off the cloak and still she was covered with acres of cloth.

Taylor and Edyta danced a waltz and I thought it looked great. If ever I meet up with Lawrence Taylor in some bizarre and unlikely twist of fate I would love to dance a waltz with him. He’d only have to teach me the steps is all.

Len praised Taylor’s dancing, saying he was “shocked at how well you performed”. What can I say? Taylor is no Gilles Marini, or Chuck Wicks for that manner. By me he’s a gracious fellow with a friendly smile and endearing self-deprecating sense of humor.

Lawrence received 21 points for his waltz but, alas, he was sent home on the following night’s elimination round.

I also like Lil Kim and by me Derek will always be the best professional on the show. Lil Kim danced a Rumba that featured a scary and very sexy split.

Judge Carrie announced she was underwhelmed by the performance. Lil Kim and Derek received 26 points for the dance.

Chuck Wicks and fiancé, professional dancer Julianne Hough, performed a samba. Goodness, Chuck, those red pajamas were weird.

In fact this was Chuck’s best performance as all the judges, particularly Len, so stated. Chuck and Julianne received 27 points for their performance.

I call him Shy Ty although that bucking bull routine used for the group dance was hardly shy. Ty and Chelsea danced a waltz that Len pronounced “well done”.

Ty chose Chelsea’s costume for the dance and it was a pretty thing. Ty and Chelsea received a whopping 24 points, top score for Ty to date, for this night’s performance.

Young Shawn Johnson performed a Cha-Cha-Cha and I thought she was cute as all get-out. Shawn received 28 points for that Cha Cha, bringing her in second place, beating out even the great Marini, for the night’s performances.

Finally we had the One to Beat, the great Gilles Marini. Gilles performed a Viennese Waltz. I thought, even before Gilles took his first step in the performance, that what with a Waltz, Gilles would be tough to beat. In fact I thought Gilles looked perfect to me.

Surprisingly, the judges did not see it my way. Carrie made some remark about posture and so, it would seem, Gilles, with a combined score of 27 from the judges, is vulnerable.

I still see this thing narrowing down to Melissa and Gilles. I think Lil Kim is quite good and so is sweet young Shawn. But I don’t think either of them will win although I’ll grant either of them could possibly snag second place.

For now, my money’s on Gilles to win with Melissa a close second.

Below, a remix of some of the more notable performances on 4/20/09 “Dancing With the Stars”. With, of course, my own snarky comments edited in.





-Ty Murray-Jewel’s husband, rodeo star
-Holly Madison-on “Girls Next Door”-sent home 3.31.09
-Belinda Carlisle-lead singer Go-Go's-sent home-sent home 3/17/09
-David Alan Grier-Actor-sent home 4/7/09
-Shawn Johnson-17 years old...olympic gold medal winner
-Lil Kim-rapper, singer and actress
-Gilles Marini-Actor
-Steve-o-MTV Star-sent home 4/15/09
-Melissa Rycroft-Bachelor star
-Denise Richards-Actress-married to a Sheen-sent home-3/24/09
-Lawrence Taylor-NY Giants football Hall of Famer-sent home 4/20/09
-Chuck Wicks-singer and songwriter
-Steve Wozniak-Apple computer wiz-sent home 3/31/09
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Saving Mom from Uncle Guido

Detective Barlow says I shouldn't quit my day job. His humor isn't lost on me though I must fume a bit. I did, after all, discover a murder was about to happen; this while disguised as Micky Mouse. Then I chanced into the actual murder-for-hire transaction; this while disguised as a door. Neither of which was easy, I might add, and definitely not intentional.

Then while encumbered with such strange disguises, add to the argument that I'm not even any sort of trained detective. Who I am is the daughter of Mom, Rosa Bianco, and niece of Uncle Guido Barrani, the man who plotted to murder Mom.

Technically, Uncle Guido is not my uncle. He is my mother's cousin, which makes him a cousin removed from me. Since he is the same age as Mom, I always, out of respect and on penalty of maternal slap, called him Uncle Guido. Though my Mom had another cousin, Bennett, also the same age as Mom, who my brother and I simply referred to as "Ben".

In fact, it was this dearth of living relatives that caused Mom to almost be killed by her own cousin's hand. It's rare for Italian families to have so few offspring but this was indeed the case with the Barranis. Grandmother Barrani was expected to expire within a month when Uncle Guido and Ben came back into my life after a long post-childhood absence.

"I still don't like Uncle Guido," I told Mom the night we were all scheduled to meet at the hospital to visit Grandmother Barrani. "He's got bad teeth, grunts his answers and wears high-waters."

"High Waters? These are some kinda of boots?"

Mom, she had this sorta, kinda Italian accent that she likes to put on now and again.

"Pants that can be worn into high water, Ma," I began in explanation. At Mom's blank look, I gave it up. How could I explain a geek to Mom? And a creepy geek at that?

It'd been rumored since I was a tyke that Grandmother Barrani had over half a million dollars she'd be passing down to the remaining three cousins. Thus when Grandmother Barrani fell ill, I found myself having to deal with creepy Uncle Guido and cousin Ben, another odd one.

"It's supposed to be evenly divided amongst the three cousins," Maria, a genuine first cousin of mine, told me.

"I'll bet Uncle Guido will do everything he can to legally, then illegally, get his hands on the money," I blurted. Maria's response surprised me.

"That guy, he's creepy, you gotta?" Maria said, shaking her hand in a "get loose" manner and resorting to the Italian-English of our mothers. I was surprised because until then I thought it was only me that got the creeps around Uncle Guido.


In fact, Grandmother Barrani passed away five days after her admission to the hospital. Before she died, Uncle Guido worked furiously arranging to have Mom join her.

It had been established early on that the cousins and other assorted relatives and friends of Grandmother Barrani would meet in the hospital snack room after appropriate death vigils.

"You see these things," Ben said one night, pointing to a package in the snack machine.

"Which number?"

"14. You see it?"

I peered into the window. Number 14 contained a small packet of "hot fries", those cheese curls type of food shaped like french fries and allegedly hotly seasoned for further distinguishment.

"So?"

"Amazing, huh? They make french fries that they can sell as snacks?"

I took a long glance at Mom's cousin Ben to ascertain if he was pulling my leg or did such a thing really fascinate the man.

"I saw tortilla chips in the grocery shaped like little spoons," he said, still amazed. "You actually can use the things to scoop up the dip."

It was a jolt, but I realized Ben was serious, not that it should have been especially surprising. Ben easily weighed an excess of 300 pounds and did seem to be always eating.

"He's an oddball," Uncle Guido whispered into my ear, causing me to jump almost a foot. A hospital janitor had been mopping the floor and the sounds of Uncle Guido's garrulous voice startled him to dump his bucket. Of course Ben then slipped on an errant soap bubble and next thing we were all in the emergency room.

Which becomes part of the reason I overheard Uncle Guido plotting to kill Mom and also explains the Micky Mouse costume. For Mom was determined to stay with Ben while I had to leave and pick up the Micky Mouse costume. I was supposed to wear the costume to Maria's daughter's birthday party. Only Mom wouldn't leave when we had planned because of Ben's accident so I arranged to go get the costume, come back and pick up Mom, then head on over to Maria's. Only Maria and her daughter show up at the hospital because of cousin Ben, at the same time I saunter in as Micky Mouse. Except for carrying his head under my arm. At the sight of little Becky I quickly put the Micky Mouse head on because I didn't want her to know it was me under the costume. I know it wasn't like Santa Claus or anything but I figured it would ruin the mystique. So I wandered around the hospital dressed as Micky Mouse which delighted Becky, who I figured would be even more surprised when the same Micky Mouse showed up at her party.

I was at the point of throttling Maria, who prolonged her stay the whole time knowing I was trapped in that horrid, hot costume. Micky Mouse or no, I needed a Coke.

While I was feeding quarters into the machine, I heard Uncle Guido growling into his cell phone.

"I got everything arranged. I hate for anything to happen to her either but that's a lot of money. Yeah, yeah, I've got the guy. It'll be painless. She's my cousin after all."

Of course, Uncle Guido's only female cousin would be my mother. And his reference to her in the phone conversation seemed ominous. There I was dressed as Micky Mouse getting a Coke but evidently he didn't know who I was. And why should he have what with my big black ears and everything? Then again his voice tended to carry and while most folks might not derive any meaning from his conversation, I, of course, understood it all.



Running into the police station dressed as Micky Mouse was a bit stupid not to mention I completely forgot I still had on the head.

Initially the desk sergeant's eyes twinkled which only infuriated me. Here Mom was about to murdered by Uncle Guido and this guy thought it a hoot.

"What's your Mom's name-Minnie?" the sergeant asked. Dawn broke over my mouse ears and I reached up and pulled them off of my head. Guy was lucky I didn't pull off his.

I was huffing and puffing by the time I blurted out my story and it's a given that the tale might have been a bit muddled. The sergeant shook his head after one last go through with the bit about the cellular phone, Micky Mouse and the Coke. He introduced me to Detective Barlow and by this time I was sweating, breathing heavily, and still dressed like Micky Mouse but with his head under my arm. Not to mention I was frantic with worry about Mom, still back at the hospital with the murderous Uncle Guido

Detective Barlow seemed nonplused about it all

"Listen, why don't you let me check into all of this?" he said, slamming his little notebook shut without what appeared to be any worry. "You get back to the hospital and act like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to and catch somebody in the act. It's very important that you trust me. We won't let either you or your mother out of our sight. You may not think we're around, but we will be. Nothing will happen to your mother, I promise."

It wasn't easy acting so nonchalant over the next few days. Uncle Guido seemed to be constantly on the cell phone to someone. Anytime I caught wind of suspicious conversation I would immediately call Detective Barlow. Always he was unfazed, assuring me he already knew about it. "We're on top of it," he'd say calmly, snapping his gum to my complete irritation.

It was three days after I overheard Uncle Guido's plot to murder my mother that I became an eyewitness to the actual meeting of Uncle Guido and the hit man who was hired to kill Mom. This time I was disguised as a door. Again, this was quite unintentional.

I'd stopped by Grandmother Barrani's to pick up her dentures at Mom's behest. It was no use arguing with Mom that most likely Grandmother Barrani would never need the false teeth again.

"I make her pretty when she wakes," Mom said, still hoping her mother would emerge from the coma. Poor Mom, dealing with the death of her mother and poor Mom's daughter dealing with the possible death of her mother if Uncle Guido got his way.

While admiring one of Grandmother Barrani's lovely ceramic teapots I accidentally dropped it. I rushed through the swinging doors into Grandfather's old workshop, searching for something, anything, to fix what might have been a valuable antique, I didn't know.

Sure enough there was a tube of crazy glue but the tube was old and badly crinkled. While pushing open the swinging doors with my shoulder I was squeezing on the tube, hoping the dried glue would burst its seal by the time I got to the teapot. The tube did burst open but well before I removed my shoulder and hip from the swinging door. In an astounding combination of timing and logistics, I'd somehow managed to glue my body to the swinging door.

I cursed and screamed a bit but this didn't seem to help. Pulling away hurt like the dickens and I feared I'd seriously injure an epidermis or something. Problem was, I was far from a telephone, or a window to summon help and any source of water for, I didn't know, sustenance. So far as I knew no one was expected to stop by Grandmother Barrani's house in the near future. Though I considered perhaps Mom might eventually come looking for me. Since I had no idea how long this would be and since I already had to go to the bathroom, I realized I would have to use my wits to escape.

It took some contortions but with a severe twist of my left torso I was able to reach the hinges of the door to which I was adhered. The rusty bolts of the door pulled up easily. At least I was free, albeit still stuck to a door.

I was delicately maneuvering myself around the kitchen, hoping to avoid more teapot breakage, a task made more difficult by my door encumbrance, when I heard the unmistakable growl of Uncle Guido.

"You sure this will go okay. You've made all the arrangements?" I heard Uncle Guido say to somebody as he entered Grandmother Barrani's front door.

"Everything's fine, I tell you. Get the money handed over and that'll be the end of it all. You've arranged for the money, right?"

How I managed to avoid breaking a teakettle in the middle of this dilemma I'll never know. Uncle Guido and somebody would be entering the kitchen soon and my options were limited. Either these guys catch me direct in the act of overhearing their death plotting or I find some way to hide.

Just as Uncle Guido's foot climbed the first step of the three that led to Grandmother Barrani's kitchen, I managed to hide myself in the most unlikely of places: directly in plain sight.

Of course I was glued to a door so it was a bit easier to hide my body. It was the door that was the problem here. What I did was to situate myself and attached door in a corner, diagonal to a window. Only the door faced the room; my glued body was wedged into the corner. The idea was that I would be perceived to be some sort of Japanese screen standing proudly in plain view and ostensibly to hide clutter behind. These sorts of room divider screens are generally colorful and decorative, hardly the ugly battered brown I was. I prayed Uncle Guido or his unidentified friend were no connoisseurs of home decor.

"What time you expecting him to get here?" Mr. Unknown asked Uncle Guido.

"I wonder how this got broke," I heard Uncle Guido say. I cringed in fear that he would figure out someone was still in the room.

"Soon," Uncle Guido replied. "You think we can get this over with tonight?"

Maybe it was those words. Maybe it was enduring a tense three days, praying that Detective Barlow was on the case as he professed, Maybe it was the fact that there I was, glued to a door as these two creeps discussed killing Mom. Maybe it was because I was about to sneeze anyway.

Whatever the reason, I chose to reveal myself dramatically. I figured no way Detective Barlow knew I was here stuck to a door in the company of two dangerous men. If I was to save Mom, not to mention myself, I had to act.

I spun around, the door stuck to my hip dislodging several teapots and a few potted plants. Me and the door bent down to retrieve a shard of broken teapot for defense.

"Don't either of you move," I warned through clenched teeth, eyes narrowed to effect a menacing look. I held my teapot shard high that my lethal intentions would not be misunderstood.

"Cara, goodness," Uncle Guido exclaimed. "What are you doing here and why do you have a door on your back?"

"Don't mess with me, Uncle Guido. The cops are on to you and your little scheme to murder Mom. You're not going to get away with it."

Before Uncle Guido could respond, cousin Ben came in through the kitchen entrance.

"Ben!" I screamed. "Run and get help. This guy and Uncle Guido are planning to murder Mom."

Ben regarded the scene for a few seconds. Then he did, in fact, run. Were it not for his bulk he might have gotten beyond the threshold before Mr. Unknown tackled him.

There was nothing else for me to do but scream at the top of my lungs. Ben was my only hope and he was down.

Who should come running through the door but Detective Barlow himself with a slew of cops behind him.

Only they were handcuffing and pulling Ben to his feet while Uncle Guido and the hit man remained perfectly free. Furious, I twisted my entire body in such a way as to bring the full force of my attached door directly to the heads of Uncle Guido and his accomplice. Once I began my rampage there was no stopping me. The door to which I was attached became a deadly weapon.


"Everyone's going to be fine," Detective Barlow told me and Mom in the hospital snack shop. "Guido has a nasty bump, Hokes might have a broken nose. Ben's being booked now. And you have been safely removed from the door. Young lady, you should never be allowed to possess a door again."

I wanted to smack him. All along it was Ben plotting to kill Mom. He'd approached Uncle Guido about arranging a hit. Uncle Guido told Mom and they both decided to go to the police.

"Seems Ben had a wonderful idea for making spaghetti on a stick. Only he needed money to get his little venture going. He figured the less cousins getting an inheritance the more he would get. We also discovered he had plans to get rid of Guido just as soon as they both were done with your mother," Detective Barlow told me.

Mr. Unknown was really Detective Hokes, undercover as a hit man, intending to catch Ben directly in the act of soliciting murder, up to include handing over the money . Mom had been in on it all along. She said nothing to me because she didn't even know I thought Uncle Guido was the would-be murderer. Detective Barlow had everything under control I suppose, though he forgot to factor in that I might get glued to a door and blow the whole scheme wide open with my misunderstanding.

Grandmother Barrani passed away two days later. Uncle Guido recovered from his fight with the door enough to attend the funeral. Ben wasn't released from jail and Detective Barlow told us he'd been eating the whole time.

"Everyone always pegs me as the bad guy," Uncle Guido growled the day of the funeral. He greeted me and Mom with an affectionate peck.

A few days later both cousins and a few other relatives gathered for the reading of Grandmother Barrani's will. Turns out Grandmother Barrani had a modest bank account, nowhere near the rumored half million dollars. She had only two things of any value: her extensive collection of antique teapots and the swinging doors that separated her kitchen from Grandfather's tool room. Turns out they were from the ship that brought Grandmother and Grandfather Barrani from Italy.

Some of the teapots were salvaged and the other half of the swinging doors was not yet glued to any personage.

Still, Mom was alive and safe. Uncle Guido might recover from the constant headaches, hopefully in time to give me away in my wedding to Detective Barlow. Ben's happily eating his way through jailhouse food and Maria's daughter Becky thinks I'm the greatest, either as Micky Mouse or a door.
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