Laundry Solutions You'll Never See in the Women's Mags

Laundry-Solutions You’ll Never See in Ladies Home Journal
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Okay, Kaitlyn Mae, so you ask me how to do the laundry and I must answer. Only you didn’t ask me just yet in that you are currently not quite a year old in this day of our Lord and mostly GENERATING laundry rather than washing it.

But someday you might, sweet Granddaughter, and as required, Grandmother must be prepared with an answer. Which would be, specifically, that I do not have a clue.

Please do not misunderstand, Kaitlyn Mae, because Grandmother does laundry on a regular basis. Enough to maintain some level of clothing cleanliness for Billy and myself at any rate.

Yet every month as I sort and ponder the most efficient way to process several baskets of dirty laundry though the system, I wonder if there is some sort of ‘rule’ about how laundry should be done.

Yes, Kaitlyn Mae, I say ‘every month’ because one of the first decisions Grandmother made once the child, who would be your mother, was grown and gone, was to make laundry duties a monthly task.

For two people the processing of laundry should only be required once a month and anyone who does it more often given that circumstance is just plain inefficient. For a family-husband, wife, one or two children- washing the clothing would be a more frequent task but I’d argue one could get away with making it a bi-weekly chore.

“But no, the teenagers!” Grandmother can hear their shouts. “There’s the dirty towels!” the pristine shout. “We’d run out of underwear” the children proclaim.

Pshaw! First, go out and buy enough underwear for everyone to last through the desired laundry period. Get fourteen pairs if looking to do the laundry bi-weekly and thirty pairs if monthly. Find a good sale and stock up. Same with socks, pantyhose and other items that are changed daily.

Better, after announcing to the family that laundry will hereby be done bi-weekly, have everyone give you their underclothing requirements in order to achieve that goal. Shut out the kid’s moaning and fussing, Kaitlyn, as every child on the planet would prefer to shed all clothes from their bodies and deposit directly into the hamper on a daily basis. The person assigned the laundry chore, (usually the mother, let’s get real) should set the rules.

Change underwear and socks every day. Bras can be worn two days in a row if no particularly strenuous exercise falls on the first day of wearing. Skirts can be worn four times, assuming no sudden stains come upon. What? Why can’t skirts be worn four times? How dirty does a skirt, which ostensibly flutters OUT from your body, get? Dresses can be worn twice but again, strenuous exercise and sudden stains can change that dynamic. With blouses and shirts it’s a tossup. There is the little matter of body odor so these sorts of things should be given grave thought.

Grandmother would accept the notion of tossing shirts, blouses and other tops into the laundry after one wearing is what I’m saying here.

Oh sure the teenagers are going to protest. It’s just so much easier to shed all of their clothing for tossing into the hamper without all the bother of thought. Also, using Grandmother’s standards (which admittedly should be altered according to personal preferences but I’m laying it out straight, Kaitlyn, so pay attention), the skirt, worn less than four times since last laundering, would have to be RE-HUNG up. My, my, the kids aren’t going to like that, Kaitlyn.

Let them sweat it out until the next bi-weekly laundry to re-wear that favored skirt if they have to, sweet Granddaughter. They’ll get over it. And don’t worry if they retrieve that special skirt from wherever they tossed and wear it all wrinkled. Peer pressure will put an end to that.

A towel should last one week IF it is assigned to one person. Get all the towels monogrammed or give everyone one special color. After a week, put a fresh towel out and toss the other in the laundry. Yeah man, the kids really aren’t going to like that. They have some idea that once a towel gets wet it’s laundry time. And don’t give me that bit about the thing rubbing all over their sweaty bodies. First, they should be clean when they are rubbing that towel over their bodies and second, when hung loosely with plenty of air circulation all about, towels DO dry.

And yes, it should only be necessary to change the sheets every two weeks though I can hear the gasps across the land at the suggestion. Understood is the possibility that a child might wet the bed or other stains might arise, however and there’s plenty of possibilities. But assuming we take a shower before bed and assuming we don’t sweat profusely, wet the bed, engage in sexual activities (which adolescents should NOT be doing), a sheet can be laid upon for a two week period.

The point is, set up laundry rules with all contributors to the family laundry load and STICK TO THEM.

Now, once the laundry is piled up and ready to go, what is the “correct” procedure for washing the clothes?

Frankly, Kaitlyn, you would probably understand better how to sort the clothes than Grandmother. Because through the years of Grandmother’s life, fabrics have changed so much that what once was is no longer.

Ironing, for instance. Grandmother used to spend many hours of her life ironing clothes though I wonder if Kaitlyn will ever know what an iron is. Gradually through the years clothing, sheets, pillow cases, tablecloths, you name it, has changed to a blend of cotton and something called polyester. It’s the polyester that prevents wrinkles and as such, ironing is virtually nonexistent in this era of our Lord.

There used to be a time when “white” clothing could be gathered into one grand pile. This laundry load would always be washed with bleach as an additive. Nowadays one can’t count on any sort of clothing being all white. Even underwear is rarely all white, even for men! Grandmother has gotten so she is scared to put bleach on anything because bleach, grandchild, will result in huge blotchy spots when used on any fabric not color safe.

As such, Grandmother has taken to using only “color safe” bleach on all the laundry loads and this brings me to another concern. Kaitlyn, I admit right now that I do not fully understand the notion of laundry additives and, indeed, if they are even necessary. It seems to Grandmother that the laundry detergent itself should be sufficient but to simply use this liquid seems somehow insufficient.

This is because the commercials shout at Grandmother that she should be using this spectacular laundry softener or that color safe bleach, all of which will bring my family to bed-bouncing happiness at the smell, softness and sparkling color of their clothing. My compromise is to use color safe bleach and laundry detergent only.

As for the actual sorting of the laundry, Kaitlyn, Grandmother submits that by adhering to a bi-weekly, monthly or even, Grandmother concedes, a weekly schedule, economies of scale are now possible. Since Grandmother does the laundry on a monthly basis, I can put all of the clothing that takes a long time to dry in one pile, all of the clothing that requires placement on a hanger in another load, all of the towels in yet another load, like that.

Which is to point out, sweet grandchild, that there is no longer any need to separate the whites, the darks and the lights as my mother used to do. The majority of fabric used today don’t bleed or do other nasty stuff to its washing machine brethren. Although Grandmother does suggest that given a lack of any other criteria, separate the laundry by light and dark loads. Soon enough a better and more personalized system will emerge.

I have seen women who do a load of laundry every day, some of them might even be reading this missive. I don’t know why they do laundry every day but in some households it’s a daily fact of life. This excludes parents of babies or folks in some unusual situation that might require such daily stress. Anyone who does laundry on a daily basis beyond any special circumstances is simply an unorganized, non-thinking, type of person who needs to be busy and stressed for some psychological reason beyond Grandmother’s comprehension.

This ends Grandmother’s missive to Kaitlyn about laundry. It’s possible that when Granddaughter reads this there might no longer be a need for chores such as laundry. Fabric in your era, who knows, it might even be self-cleaning. In the likely event that perspiration and an assortment of stains will always effect the fabrics bearing them, well now you have your Grandmother’s tried and true laundry wisdom.

You won’t read such as this in the glossy ladies’ magazines, Kaitlyn, because they WANT you to buy the laundry products of their advertisers. They also want you to do a lot of laundry in that this will generate more need for their advertisers’ products.

Grandmother is looking out for Kaitlyn and Kaitlyn’s happiness. Until Tide takes up advertising on my Blog I shall be looking out for Granddaughter’s happiness.

Should you see a Tide advertisement on the Blog, Kaitlyn Mae, then take Grandmother’s wisdom with a grain of salt.