Blast from Past-Remember the Runaway Bride?; Ads-VICTORY No More; Fishgiggles

Coming as a New Year's Treat-The Best Short Story Ever Written
To Be Published on Monday 1/2/06-Tune In!







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Remember the Runaway Bride?

How about the smoking monkey?

Here’s a Pop Culture Blast from the Past. Bound to bring a smile.

God Bless America If there’s a story, if it will sell, if Ebay will auction it off, than an enterprising American somewhere will capitalize on it. Some cite this tendency the reason why America is hated but come on, ‘Jennifer’s High Tailin’ Hot Sauce’? Runaway Bride action figures? Yes if Jennifer Wilbanks, shoplifter, kook and owner of buggy eyes, thought her life so muddled that she had to run from it, well her trials and tribulations are just beginning. For she will now have to face a lifetime of ridicule and by me that may be the best punishment of all. HERE ATLANTA (AP) — Maybe hot sauce is the cure for cold feet. ‘‘Jennifer’s High Tailin’ Hot Sauce,’’ a nod to the saga of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, has sold briskly since its debut Wednesday. ‘‘I’m in the hot sauce business and this is the hottest thing I’ve got right now,’’ said ‘‘Pappy’’ David Ryan, who runs Pappy’s Peppers in Lawrenceville, Ga. and says he’s sold 10 cases of the private-label sauce. He’s not the only one cashing in: Herobuilders.com, a Danbury, Conn.-based manufacturer, has sold out of its first batch of 250 Runaway Bride action figures at $24.95 each. The foot-tall figures feature a dark-haired woman in jogging pants with a colorful towel similar to the one Wilbanks wore over her head and a midriff-baring jogging shirt that says ‘‘Vegas Baby.’’ Wilbanks items have also flooded eBay since a man auctioned off a slice of toast carved with a drawing of the runaway bride for $15,400. (The winning bidder has refused to pay.) ‘‘It’s an unbelievably incredible story,’’ said Emil Vicale, who owns Herobuilders.com. ‘‘We had over a million hits in one day. That’s never happened before.’’ As a public service for yon readers eager to order this merchandise, links are so provided. TO ORDER RUNAWAY BRIDE HOT PEPPER SAUCE TO ORDER RUNAWAY BRIDE ACTION FIGURE You are very welcome.   ~~~~~~~~~~ The Mysterious Piano Man Many consider it an ongoing scam of some sort, the sudden appearance of a man on an English beach, dressed in full party regalia with missing tags. He has since remained mute save for the surprise of playing the piano fluidly. If it is a scam then it’s a very well-thought out one. FROM THE SCOTSMAN The man, in his twenties or thirties, was found dressed in a smart suit and tie, wandering aimlessly near Sheerness, Kent on 7 April. He has not uttered a word and is nervous of people, but surprised his carers by giving a virtuoso performance on a piano. A spokesman for West Kent NHS Trust, which is following up the leads from the National Missing Persons Helpline, said it will take several days to sort through them. But many of them have already proved fruitless. Dozens of people had suggested he was Swedish musician Martin Sturfalt, 26, who bears a striking similarity to the mystery man. The concert pianist, who spends time in London and Stockholm, even received calls from worried friends asking if he was well. Michael Camp, the Piano Man’s social worker, said he was hopeful that one of the calls would prove fruitful, but was beginning to lose faith that the man’s identity would ever be known. He said: "It’s been such a long time. If nobody can name this guy then I don’t see how we can possibly find out." In a recent update FROM THE DAILY TELEGRAPH: Care worker Michael Camp said: "He has still not uttered a single word. He will take meals three times a day but returns immediately to his music and still recoils from human contact." Despite 300 possible identities, there was no breakthrough. Police said they have cut the list to three. ~~~~~~~~~~ American Idol Finalists   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rapist School Teacher Finally Marries Her “Victim” We hear the rights to photos and videotape of the wedding ran anywhere from $60,000 to $100,000. We also hear that Vili and Mary Kay need the money. Not that theirs is not a marriage of wedded bliss and not that we don't wish them well. This spacey lady twelve years older than her “husband”. Said husband having no discernible job with a bleak future being a high school dropout. I’m pretty sure Mary Kay won’t be teaching school anymore. And so God Bless America again. They are playing the public as fools. We’ll see if they win. FROM YAHOO.com Mary Kay & Vili's Wedding! Entertainment Tonight May 20, 2005 After seven years apart and eight months of wedding preparations,ex-teacher MARY KAY LETOURNEAU and her former student VILI FUALAAU have finally said "I do" in a private ceremony on Friday. JANN CARL was the only reporter invited to the wedding. The bride wore a white gown embroidered with handmade lace flowers and approximately 200 people attended the ceremony, which was held at the Columbia Winery in Woodinville, WA, about 20 miles northeast of Seattle. ~~~~~~~~~~ The Smoking Monkey Husband has been bemoaning the fate of the smoking monkey for a week now. “All she wants to do is have a quiet smoke,” husband lamented. “The tobacco police won’t even leave the monkeys alone. For the monkey has been fitted with a patch and has been weaned from her nasty habit. The exact thing the tobacco Nazis would love to do to every smoker in America. Soon. It’s coming soon. Then the SUV Nazis and Fastfood Nazis can begin their campaign. With enough time we will be a sainted, albeit miserable, nation. FROM THE BBC A chimpanzee has taken up smoking and spitting, according to China's Xinhua news agency. It is unclear why Feili, 13, has started smoking but her zoo keeper said it was because she was frustrated. She has turned from a "gentle girl" into a "shrew", said Liu Bing, director of Zhengzhou zoo, Henan province. Mr Liu said Feili's partner at the zoo was 28 years her senior, and was unable "to meet her sexual demands". Feili was not addicted to nicotine, he said, but was just imitating tourists.   ~~~~~~~~~~

 


Internet Truths

Came across this missive, a funny but almost true saga of the daily messages of emails and Blogs. Below this is yet another saga to cause even more angst.

To All My Online Friends: As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time) I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

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And Now…Dryer Lint Screens!

To start the New Year, we add the following to the anguish of the woman above.

Wash Your Dryer Lint Screens I received this e-mail from a friend and felt I should share it: "I had a wonderful morning, the heating unit went out of my dryer! Why does everything seem to fall apart this time of year!? The guy that fixes things went in to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. We always clean the lint from the filter after every load of clothes. He told us that he wanted to show us something. He took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. Now, this thing is like a mesh - I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like - WELL... the hot water just laid on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh and that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long! How about that? Learn something new every day!" I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, thought I'd share! Note: I went to dryer and tested my screen by running water on it. The water collected a little but ran though the screen. I dried it off and was ready to put it back in the dryer since the water ran through it but, I thought what the heck it won't hurt to wash it while I had it out. Warm soap water and a nylon brush and I had it done in 30 seconds. I then ran the water over the screen and what a difference! The water just gushed through it with no puddling at all and this time I was running the water at a faster rate. That repairman knew what he was talking about!

More Fish Giggles HERE

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